Where to start...

Like I said... So much stuff has been going on in my life that I've barely been able to keep up with it. I haven't really kept up with it to be completely honest. I'm behind... Way behind... So what am I doing here blogging instead of doing productive work? Why, procrastinating of course.

So I'll start with Tiana, and I'll give you the brief version since you must be living under a rock if you haven't already heard me whine about it.

Tiana went to Shriners, they found that the curve in her back had progressed an additional 7 degrees since her x-ray a month and a half before. Not good! The only answer left to halt the progression of her scoliosis, and correct her spine, is surgery.

In January she'll have two rods inserted into her back, one on each side of her spine. The rods are called "grow rods." Tiana is still really small in the upper half of her body, and so these rods will allow her to keep growing for a few more years. Every six months or so she'll have to go in for minor surgery to have the rods adjusted to compensate for her growth. Then, in two to three years they will fuse her spine and the correction will be permanent.

How am I dealing with all of this? Much better now that I'm on anti-anxiety medication, thanks. LOL

It was pretty bad at first... The risks of surgery are paralysis and life threatening infections, among other things. It's terrifying to have to expose your child to that. The flip side is worse though, if her back isn't corrected she'll have early onset heart disease, and breathing problems all of her life, which will be shortened considerably because of the medical conditions brought on by her scoliosis. So we really don't have much of a choice at all.

Contemplate it for awhile for your own child though, and I assure you that you'll go a little bit insane. I felt like I was sending my baby out to go play in traffic. It didn't matter that they assured me that "all things considered," the surgical risks were very low. This is major surgery people... On her spine! You know, where all of those important nerves are!

Fortunately, I began taking the anti-anxiety medication before Tiana went to Shriners, so after a week or so of mental torture, the meds kicked in and I'm feeling a little more optimistic now.


So why am I taking anti-anxiety meds I hear you asking? Because I'm dying.

No, not really...

Its hard to explain to someone who's never dealt with anxiety, but I'll try...

Either I'm going to die, or someone whom I love very much is going to die. I know this with all of my heart and soul. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but it will be soon, and when it happens, I'm going to go crazy because I won't be able to deal with it. How do I know that I'm going to be struck with some fatal form of cancer, or that one of my lovely children is going to be hit by a car, or fall down the stairs at school? Because I'm me. My luck has been really good lately, so I know that there's something just waiting and lurking around the corner. When I least expect it, it's going to jump out and slam me. So if I think about it all of the time, if I worry and obsess, it can never catch me unaware.

So I think about it all of the time, I prepare myself for every bad thing that could happen, imagining the worst things that could possibly happen so that I can prepare myself. Having a very fertile imagination that's a torment in and of itself, let me tell you. Thinking about it all of the time is stressing me out though, my body is very tense and soon starts to rebel at all of the stress... My throat feels like it's closing in on itself, I have chest pain, all of my joints hurt, and I'm tired all of the time but I can't sleep because I'm too busy obsessing to rest.

Do these aches and pains serve as a wake up call for your poor insane friend? NO! Instead I'm sure that the chest pain is lung cancer, my tight throat is some form of throat cancer, and my anxiety intensifies.

Do you have a picture in your head yet?

"Why don't you go to a doctor and have your fears put to rest?" I'm sure I hear you asking... Because if I go to a doctor he's going to tell me how very sick I am, and then I'd more than likely have a breakdown (I know you're seeing the irony LOL).

I knew I was having problems with anxiety, but knowing wasn't making my problems go away unfortunately. Fortunately I do have a wonderful doctor. When I finally went in (for an allergy; you didn't really think I'd make an appointment for my anxiety did you? lol) and mentioned I was having some problems dealing with life, he was very kind, and didn't call me a nut , nor did he send me to see a shrink (which I wouldn't have done anyway). He just let me know that I was not all that abnormal, and that in some people a traumatic (have I mentioned that John almost died a year ago this week?) event can trigger a serotonin imbalance. In some people it manifests as depression, in others, anxiety. So I just need to reset the serotonin processors in my brain, and then I'll be back to my normal, lovable, unmedicated self (no comments John) in about a year.

Now those of you who have dealt with anxiety are all nodding your heads. Your anxiety may not have manifested in the same way mine did, but you know those feelings of terror and helplessness as you watch your world spin out of control. Those of you who are lucky enough not to have ever dealt with this in your life, just think I'm crazy. LOL That's ok, I'm dealing with this now, and I don't mind if people think I'm crazy. The important thing is that if you're dealing with this, or something similar. Get help! I can't stress that enough. I don't know why I waited so long. There's no shame in asking for help so that you can learn to control it on your own. You'll feel so much better when all is said and done.

So those are the big things that have been going on in my life the last couple of months. Nothing too entertaining or amusing (though as I look back I'm beginning to see the humor in the anxiety), but just real life junk.

You know how it is...
*Hugs*