Anxious Thoughts...

I really shouldn't be posting to my blog. I have so many other things that I should be doing instead. I'm way behind, and truthfully I feel pretty guilty that I'm sitting here typing instead of doing real work. I have some junk in my head that I need to get rid of though, and this is as good a place as any to dump it.

I had a small anxiety attack last night, but considering the haze of medication it had to work its way through, it must have actually been a pretty major one. I've only had a couple since I started the meds, they feel different than they used to now, but they're no more pleasant then they were before. However, before the medication I never quite knew what I was really panicking about, I was nervous all of the time, so it all kind of blended together. Now I have to be pretty upset to have an actual anxiety attack, so I usually know what's causing it.

So what's on my mind? What has me feeling like the world is out to get me? I keep looking at the calendar. In two days it will be December 15th. On January 15th my baby girl will check into the hospital, and in 34 days they'll cut her open from the base of her neck to the small of her back in an attempt to realign her screwed up spine.

I'm so very frightened, I can't even begin to tell you...

I once said that I would tell Tiana's story from the beginning. I tried; I started writing it, but found that it was nearly impossible to do. There's so much pain, sadness, joy and love packed into the first few years of her life, that it's too much for an amateur like me to be able to express with the written word.

Suffice it to say that I was once told (by several people) that Tiana was my punishment for a very public sin (I won't call it a mistake) I committed. They said that God made her imperfect to punish me for the wrongs that I had done.

I thank God every day for his beautiful punishment.

Tiana is a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. She's hope for the future in a world gone terribly wrong. She happiness, compassion, and love all bundled up into one little package. I don't know how I've managed to raise a child the likes of her. Honestly, I don't really think it's any super parenting skills on my part. I think she was born like that, a beautiful spirit that for some reason God trusted me to take care of.

I'm getting ahead of myself though... What makes her so special? It's kind of hard to describe, you'd have to meet her to really understand. I have four children, I love them all equally, and they are all beautiful and special in their own way. Tiana is no different than her brother or sisters, yet she is also very different...

Tiana has never met anyone in her life who didn't become an instant friend. She has a beautiful smile that engulfs her whole face, and a sparkling giggle that's always ready to bubble up to her lips. She's not happy all of the time, but she's never down for very long. She's very empathetic, and is filled with compassion for others. Even as a small child she always thought of others before herself. When most kids are going through the awful selfish period of the terrible twos, Tiana was giving away her toys to strangers just to make them smile. I think part of her compassion stems from the problems she's faced in her own life, but I also think that part of it is just who she is.

Having Tiana in my life has made me grow up, become a responsible person, and open my eyes to the world around me. The joy she's brought to our family has been immeasurable, especially because the joy came out of a particularly difficult time in our lives. She is a precious gift, and her physical problems have only made her more special.

She's not my punishment from God, but perhaps imagining my life without her is...

Because that's what this all comes down to... Fear... Fear that the unmentionable will happen; fear that a cruel twist of fate will take away the precious gift I never deserved to have in the first place.

I don't deserve her, I know that... I've done terrible things in my life, I've hurt countless people, I'm selfish, and just an overall crappy person. Yet somehow I managed to catch a hold of a rainbow. My terrible crappy life is filled with an indescribable beauty, and I live in fear that the powers that be are going to realize I have it and take it away because it's not meant to be mine. Then what will my life be like when all of the color is gone?

That's my punishment. That's my anxiety.