Busy, busy, busy...

Am I like the worst blogger ever? No, probably not... My posts might be sporadic, but I still keep coming back to it.

You should be able to see from my post time, that I'm writing this at some insane hour when I should be sleeping. That's because this is about the only time I can sneak in a few minutes without feeling completely guilty. Lately I'm either working or doing something with the kids. There hasn't even been a lot of time for John.

The good news is that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So what have I been up to besides work? Absolutely nothing...

The band played last night at Fat Boy Roadhouse in Milwaukee. It was fun, but my feet and legs are so tired from standing in my 3.5" heels for 4 hours that I can barely walk today. We made it to bed at about 4:30 am. John took the precaution of turning off the pThones so that we wouldn't be woken up before we were ready, but one of them escaped his attention, and of course it rang at 9:30. It woke the girls up, so of course we had to drag our butts out of bed for the day. I ended up taking an unscheduled nap on the couch this afternoon... I often wonder if I'm getting too old for my rock-n-roll dreams.

A Picture from last night for you... I'm getting a little hippy, I need to work on that.

So the usual fan club couldn't make it to the gig, but the rest of our friends put in a good showing. Kat and Tim came all the way from Madison, and brought a couple of friends with them. Lisa and Jeff put in an appearance, and Chad (aka Snake Boy ala John) came with his imaginary wife, who is really a lovely girl.

All in all, not a bad night, we played to a crowd which is always better than playing to an empty room, and we made it though another gig without getting any beer bottles thrown at us. What more could we possibly ask for?

So... Let's see... Other news...

Tiana gets her brace off in a week, I can't tell you how excited she is about that. She's literally counting the days. She started piano lessons last week at School. The music teacher is offering them for free after school for six weeks. We're going to see how she likes it, and if she wants to continue we'll consider getting her private lessons. Music is a big deal in our lives, as I'm sure you can guess, so we encourage the kids to pursue it when they have the chance.

Alexi and CJ have been in Florida with their dad this week. Alexi turned 15, but was away for her birthday. I called her to wish her a happy one, and we'll celebrate when she gets back. I miss them, I always do when they're gone, and I worry. I'll probably call tomorrow to make sure they made it back safely though, then I'll be able to sleep again.

We're working on some summer vacation plans. John and CJ were invited to a Cord rally in Auburn in June, which is when we usually take our vacation. So maybe we'll do that. I can amuse the girls while the boys get their testosterone running with the vintage cars. Honestly, I think it's great that John and CJ are having such a good time with the Cord connection. It's a healthy obsession, so I'll encourage it if it makes them happy.

I think that's it for now... I think I'm going to go get reacquainted with my bed. it's been awhile, so I hope it remembers me.

Hugs,
Anne

So much going on...

Ok, yea, I know... It's been a really long time since I've blogged, but in my defense, I have a lot going on right now...

The big news is that I'm leaving The Angel Company to start my own stamping business! I'm excited, scared, and sad all at the same time. Sad because I hate to leave TAC behind, they're a great company and my time with them has been wonderful, scared because this is a risky venture with a lot of responsibility. Excited...

Wow, I'm so excited! My new company is going to be carrying some awesome stamps from some really talented stamp artists, These stamps will really get your creativity working in overdrive. I know they sure gave mine a boost! And products... Oh my gosh! We have so many awesome products from some of the best companies out there!

The card above was made using one of the great new sets we'll be carrying. It's from an independent stamp maker in Canada, and she's been a real pleasure to work with. Her company is called Pink Cat, and we'll be carrying her entire line! Her designs are a little whimsical, and a lot of fun. I'm sure you're going to love them!



Tiana
A lot of people have been asking about Tiana, and how she's doing. She's doing great! She'll be getting her brace off in a little less than a month, and is pretty much back to normal. She's starting to get tired of wearing the brace, and we have to keep telling her to slow down and behave during the hour a day that she can have it off, because she wants to dance, and twirl, and play during those brief moments of freedom. She's no longer in any pain at all, unless she gets bumped in the spots where her rods are while she has the brace off.

You can see the spots where rods attach through her skin, they're just lumps alongside her spine. They look a lot better than her twisted spine did though, so you won't hear any of us complaining. Her incision has completely healed, and is just a red line that I'm sure will fade to almost nothing when she gets older.

We've already scheduled the first lengthening for July. That will be a quick surgery, but she will have to stay overnight in the hospital. They say that she'll recover pretty quickly from it though, and that it will be more uncomfortable then painful. She's not dreading it, since she knows that the worst is over for awhile.


Kauket
I've had quite a few people ask how miss snakey-poo is doing as well. She's doing great too! She's eating well and growing quickly! She's almost outgrown her 10 gallon tank, and has more than doubled in size since we got her. She's still small though, just a baby still, and has quite a bit of growing left to do.

She's really a sweet thing, she's a great pet to have. During the day (when she's normally sleeping) if I take her out she'll curl up in my pocket and sleep there. In the evening, when she has a little more spunk, she'll wrap herself around my fingers and wrist like a piece of exotic jewelry, and will explore anything and everything that comes close enough while I'm moving around. She's pretty content to hang on for the ride though, and will stay put as I do things.

The kids just love her, even the girls who weren't keen on the idea of having a snake for a pet, and CJ's even taken a turn at feeding her. I won't share the pictures I've taken of her eating (to spare the squeamish among you) but I did catch one of her resetting her jaw after a meal that is a favorite of mine.



The kids laugh when she does that because it looks like she's yawning really big! :)

Despite the big mouth, she has the sweetest temperament, and has never made a threatening move towards any of us. Even when Jenna pets her a little too hard, she's never made a strike out of fear. I know snakes squick a lot of people, but I think Kauket is one of the best pets I've ever owned. In fact, when she out grows her cage in a few months I'm probably going to get a Hognose snake. Hognoses are smaller than Corn snakes, and can live their lives in a 10 gallon tank. They're also diurnal, so I'd have someone to play with during the day while Kauket is sleeping.


So anyway... There's business news, Tiana news, and snake news. You should be all caught up now. :D

Have a great day!

I can't do it

I'm sure that most of you know by now that after a very successful surgery, Tiana is home and resting semi-comfortably. She's done wonderfully, and her recovery is progressing much faster than expected.

It hasn't been easy though... Not by any means...

Today marks her one week anniversary, last week at this time she was being rolled into surgery, and it's so amazing to look back over the past week and see how far she's come.

Any back surgery is painful, surgery that includes the full length of your back is even more so. There were days when Tiana could barely move her arms because to do so hurt her back terribly. Each day has gotten a little better, but some of the hurdles she's had to face have been pretty tough to get over.

One phrase that John and I have heard a lot over the last week is "I can't do it." When she's hurting and needs to change position we hear "I can't do it." When she needs to make a trip up the stairs to go to the bathroom we hear "I can't do it." Fortunately for her, she has two parents who know from experience how important it is to push through the pain after surgery and get your body moving. When you move, your blood flows, and the brain releases chemicals that help relieve pain as well as hasten the healing process. So each time we hear "I can't do it," we're standing there saying "Yes you can!"

Take it one step at a time, take a deep breath, relax and do it! If you think it's terrible it will be, but if you think positive it might not be so bad! It hurts today, but if you do it, then tomorrow it won't be so bad.

Words of that nature have become our mantra. Constant encouragement is our ever-present companion. Sometimes it takes awhile to convince her, and often she puts up quite a fuss. However, each day it does become a little easier, and each day she can do a little more.

I've been thinking about the words "I can't do it" a lot in the last week, as I've tried to combat their negative effects in my daughter. I started wondering how many times I've let "I can't do it" stand in my way.

• I've struggled with quitting smoking because "I can't do it."
• I've failed on countless diet and exercise programs because "I can't do it."
• I haven't expanded my business as much as I could because "I cant" approach someone and give them a business card, "I can't" make cold calls, and "I can't" share my business opportunity with them because I don't want them to think I'm pushy.

That's a whole lot of "I can't."

Now if Tiana can look up a flight of stairs, in so much pain that it hurts to breathe, and take that first step, then why can't I?

Sure, she could have given into the "I can't" attitude, and stayed on the couch, but today she would be little better than she was last week. Getting past "I cant do it," is what is making each day so much better than the last.

So I think I need to take that first step too. Sure it might be hard today, but tomorrow it will be easier, and the next day it will be even less painful. I'll start with sharing my wonderful hobby with someone I don't know, and give them a business card. If I do it one step at a time, and take a deep breath, it won't be so bad.

Hugs,
Anne

MRI

John and Tiana are down in Chicago right now. Tiana has been in an MRI tube for the last 45 minutes or so. They sedated her but not with an IV this time (can you say thank God for small favors?), instead she got a cocktail and some gas to knock her out. It should take about 2 hours to do the full spinal MRI... John said he'll call once she's out and awake.

I'd kill for a cigarette right about now...

They're looking for lesions on her spine. I guess that occasionally, rarely, scoliosis is caused by spinal lesions. If she has lesions she'll still need surgery, but a different kind of surgery instead of the rod insertion.

Who's bright idea was it to quit smoking a month and a half before her surgery anyway...

The only way to see for sure if she has lesions or not is with an MRI, and getting the MRI has been a long drawn out process... The first scheduled MRI the administration of the hospital gave us incorrect NPO instructions, which resulted in Tiana becoming dehydrated. Because she was dehydrated they couldn't sedate her, and we had to reschedule. That one was a blessing in disguise though, we got so upset with the hospital and her orthopedic doctor that we asked her primary physician to refer her to Shriners. That has turned out to be a very good thing.

Just one...

The second MRI was scheduled at a different hospital, we had the correct NPO instructions, and the day of the appointment Tiana had a chest and head cold along with a 102 degree fever. Mission aborted we rescheduled again.

Not even a whole one...

On the date of the next MRI appointment we received 15 inches of snow. Not a good day for a drive to Chicago. Once again we made another appointment.

This time it's gone off with only a small hitch or two. Hopefully it will be over soon and we can add another notch to our belts. One more milestone that we made it though, one more step to all of this being over and done with.

March can't some soon enough for me...

Another Smilebox

I'm having way more fun than I know I'm allowed to have, playing with this Smilebox software.

Here's another one from our Auburn trip last fall.

View Smilebox

If you haven't already done so, go download the software. It's free and it's a lot of fun to use.

I'm not kidding... Go do it! :)

Have a great day!

Just for Fun

Making Memories has come out with a fun photo sharing program that creates nifty little digital scrapbooks that can be saved, emailed, or posted to your blog. Click on the picture below to see a fun little scrapbook I put together for the Holiday.

View Smilebox

Have fun making your own!

Anxious Thoughts...

I really shouldn't be posting to my blog. I have so many other things that I should be doing instead. I'm way behind, and truthfully I feel pretty guilty that I'm sitting here typing instead of doing real work. I have some junk in my head that I need to get rid of though, and this is as good a place as any to dump it.

I had a small anxiety attack last night, but considering the haze of medication it had to work its way through, it must have actually been a pretty major one. I've only had a couple since I started the meds, they feel different than they used to now, but they're no more pleasant then they were before. However, before the medication I never quite knew what I was really panicking about, I was nervous all of the time, so it all kind of blended together. Now I have to be pretty upset to have an actual anxiety attack, so I usually know what's causing it.

So what's on my mind? What has me feeling like the world is out to get me? I keep looking at the calendar. In two days it will be December 15th. On January 15th my baby girl will check into the hospital, and in 34 days they'll cut her open from the base of her neck to the small of her back in an attempt to realign her screwed up spine.

I'm so very frightened, I can't even begin to tell you...

I once said that I would tell Tiana's story from the beginning. I tried; I started writing it, but found that it was nearly impossible to do. There's so much pain, sadness, joy and love packed into the first few years of her life, that it's too much for an amateur like me to be able to express with the written word.

Suffice it to say that I was once told (by several people) that Tiana was my punishment for a very public sin (I won't call it a mistake) I committed. They said that God made her imperfect to punish me for the wrongs that I had done.

I thank God every day for his beautiful punishment.

Tiana is a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. She's hope for the future in a world gone terribly wrong. She happiness, compassion, and love all bundled up into one little package. I don't know how I've managed to raise a child the likes of her. Honestly, I don't really think it's any super parenting skills on my part. I think she was born like that, a beautiful spirit that for some reason God trusted me to take care of.

I'm getting ahead of myself though... What makes her so special? It's kind of hard to describe, you'd have to meet her to really understand. I have four children, I love them all equally, and they are all beautiful and special in their own way. Tiana is no different than her brother or sisters, yet she is also very different...

Tiana has never met anyone in her life who didn't become an instant friend. She has a beautiful smile that engulfs her whole face, and a sparkling giggle that's always ready to bubble up to her lips. She's not happy all of the time, but she's never down for very long. She's very empathetic, and is filled with compassion for others. Even as a small child she always thought of others before herself. When most kids are going through the awful selfish period of the terrible twos, Tiana was giving away her toys to strangers just to make them smile. I think part of her compassion stems from the problems she's faced in her own life, but I also think that part of it is just who she is.

Having Tiana in my life has made me grow up, become a responsible person, and open my eyes to the world around me. The joy she's brought to our family has been immeasurable, especially because the joy came out of a particularly difficult time in our lives. She is a precious gift, and her physical problems have only made her more special.

She's not my punishment from God, but perhaps imagining my life without her is...

Because that's what this all comes down to... Fear... Fear that the unmentionable will happen; fear that a cruel twist of fate will take away the precious gift I never deserved to have in the first place.

I don't deserve her, I know that... I've done terrible things in my life, I've hurt countless people, I'm selfish, and just an overall crappy person. Yet somehow I managed to catch a hold of a rainbow. My terrible crappy life is filled with an indescribable beauty, and I live in fear that the powers that be are going to realize I have it and take it away because it's not meant to be mine. Then what will my life be like when all of the color is gone?

That's my punishment. That's my anxiety.