Snaky Pics

We’re back, obviously or I wouldn’t be posting. Tiana did great, and is happy to be home healing where she’s most comfortable. I don’t think the cat has left her lap since she parked herself on the couch.

I got home from the hospital Tuesday night and saw that Amaunet had shed. She didn’t get it all off on her own again, so she had to soak for awhile in the bath, but now she looks all pretty in her shiny new skin.

I promised you some updated pictures after her shed, so here they are…

Here she is hanging out in her tank. The metal thing to the left of the picture is her jungle gym. She’s gotten so much use out of her gym, she loves to climb up it and hang out at the top of her tank.

In this picture you can get a good look at her mouth. When I first got her she had two sores right on the edge of her lips. I was a little concerned because mouth rot is something that can be harmful to snakes, but decided that since she was eating well I wasn’t going to borrow trouble. Well, as you can see in this picture, those sores are completely gone! Yay!

Here she is out of the tank and on a pretty background that shows off her colors.

I took a bunch of pictures of her and posted them on a corn snake forum to see if anyone could help me ID what kind of snake morph she is. The general agreement is that she’s a caramel or a normal het for caramel. I was surprised that no one even mentioned hybrid because that usually gets thrown into every ID thread on the forums. I think that after showing her around and getting a vast majority of "”caramel” ID’s that I’m pretty comfortable saying she’s a full blooded corn now, or at least has way more corn blood in her than rat snake.

Does it mean a lot to me if she’s a hybrid or not? No, not really… It’s just nice to know for the sake of knowing.

Here’s the last of them I have to share with you. A close up of her cute little face blowing a raspberry at me. :)

She really is a sweetheart… Kauket is still my girl, but Amaunet is the hands down favorite among the kids. They just adore her. She’s a lot of fun to play with and watch though, so I guess it’s no real surprise.

Speaking of Kauket, she’s currently in shed so we haven’t seen a lot of her. Kek shed a few days before Amaunet, and now it’s Kauket’s turn. It’s funny how they’re all shedding at about the same time now.

I have meals thawing for the two that have new skin, but I’m going to make Kauket wait until she feeds again. The problem isn’t so much that she’s in blue, but because she’s in blue she hasn’t gone to the bathroom, so her belly is still pretty full from the last feeding. I’ll feed her as soon as she sheds and takes care of business. :)

So there you go, pretty pictures of my new baby. You can comment now and tell me how much better she looks! lol

Hugs,

Disturbed and Disgusted

And not just from the Disturbed concert we went to this weekend, though it was AWESOME!!! 

It was freezing here on Friday, below freezing actually, –25F here in the tundra.  We knew parking was probably going to be an issue at the Rave, especially since not only was Disturbed playing in the Eagles Ballroom, but Red Jumpsuit Apparatus was also playing downstairs in the Rave.

We did manage to get a decent parking spot about a block away after getting stuck in traffic and driving around for awhile, but it was still too cold to go in without Jackets though we did try to brave the cold.

The concert was fantastic though, worth the very uncomfortable walk to get to the club.  Disturbed sure knows how to put on a good show.  John got me and the girls T-shirts and we all wore them out the next day when we went to get our nails done.

But that’s not why I’m blogging, and not why I’m disgusted…

You guys all know how much I love my cold-blooded friends.  My snakes are my adopted children and I do everything I can to make sure their lives with me are quite comfortable.  I even got them these grid things for their tanks to use as jungle gyms so they can get some exercise.

Kek uses his to wedge himself in the seam of the tank lid to hide from me.

So a year and a half to two years ago a new reptile store went in just down the street from us.  We checked it out when it first opened, but never went back.  A few times we saw the owner when we were out and about.  We’d say “Hi” and chat a bit, then go on with our lives.  He seemed to be an OK guy, but was a touch flakey and liked to smoke an alternate form of tobacco if you get my meaning.  So not really the kind of person we’d choose to spend any time with.

On Friday when John came home from work he told me that he thought something was up at the store down the street.  He said there were three animal control cars there.  We gave each other a raised eyebrow, but didn’t think too much more about it because we were busy getting ready to head up to Milwaukee for the concert.

Well Alexi came home from a friend’s house today and told us that we HAD to read the paper.  The guy down the street got busted in a national news kind of way.

Here are a few excerpts from the local news article:

The owner of an exotic pet store was taken into custody Friday after city officials found dead, malnourished and illegal animals in his store.

“The conditions are filthy, disgusting, you can smell death walking into the building,” said Cindy Steinle, of Small Scale Reptile Rescue in Milwaukee, one of the agencies called in to help.

Police spokesman Sgt. Bernie Kupper said Friday afternoon they had recovered five to six alligators, a boa constrictor, a gaboon viper (which are illegal to be kept as pets), dead fish, iguanas and some geckos.

Many of the reptiles were emaciated and nearly all were dehydrated, Steinle said. Some were kept in Tupperware containers, Kupper said. Some were in the store and others were in the basement of the building, which officers said was about 40 degrees.

An alligator was housed with turtles with its mouth taped, Steinle said. One of the crocodile cages had no water and two dead crocodiles.

Here’s the full article if you’d like to read it: Pet store owner in custody after dead animals found.

I’m beyond upset to know that this was going on just down the street from me and I had no idea.  Not that I could have made any difference if I had known, but I could have at least gone down there and reamed him a new asshole.

It never ceases to amaze me how some people are utterly unconcerned about the ramifications of their actions on others.  Those poor animals… To be caged and then starved/neglected to death.  Thinking about their misery just makes me want to cry.

The surviving animals have gone to shelters and local rescue groups.  There they will do their best to try and give the poor creatures a chance at a better life.  All are malnourished, and many are sick with parasites and other illnesses.  At least they’re in the hands of people who will do the absolute best they can for them.

If you’d like to help out with the rescue efforts you can donate to Countryside Humane Society in Racine Wisconsin and/or Small Scale Reptile Rescue.  Also, if you’re looking for a great pet, consider adopting one from either of these wonderful organizations.  Mistreated, abused, and neglected animals are the ones who need your love most of all!

 

OK, off my soapbox now.  :)  One last note to let you know that Tiana is heading down to Shriners in Chicago tomorrow for another adjustment surgery.  If all goes as planned we should be home by Wednesday, but don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from me for a week or two.

As always, we’re so appreciative of all the good thoughts and prayers you’re sending our way for an incident free surgery, and quick recovery.  This would be so much harder for us if we didn’t have the outstanding love support of our friends and families!

Love and Hugs,

Six months...

**Disclaimer - This post is more than likely going to be filled with not so happy stuff dredged up from the depths of my brain. If reading about other peoples psychosis isn't your thing, then you don't have to go any further. It's ok, I don't mind, and no one will think any less of you. :)


Tiana's done with her first adjustment. It went really well, and it's nice to see her nearly straight again. There was very little pain this time around, within a few days she was mostly back to normal. She's still a little stiff, but hasn't needed so much as an Advil since the day of the surgery.

Overall a piece of cake... No sweat... Right? Yea right...

This whole thing has caused me to become very introspective, examining myself, what kind of person I am, what kind of parent I am, and more importantly, what the hell is wrong with me.

Ok, I've been sitting here staring at my screen wondering where to go from here without sounding like a whiny twit. That's really not how I want to come across. My idea isn't to try and gain sympathy, or even understanding, it's merely journaling therapy for me, getting it out of my head so that maybe I can walk down a path of normalcy for a little while. I could do a private journal I guess, but what fun would that be, and maybe there's someone out there like me (fat chance I know) who might get a little comfort in knowing that they're not the only nut job on the planet.

So onward bravely I wander, damn the torpedoes, and if I whine then so be it.

In the weeks leading up to Tiana's surgery I often wondered if I'd deal with this differently if I didn't have this lovely serotonin imbalance in my brain. The lengthening is supposed to be a pretty minor surgery, and really it is, so why doesn't that comfort me? Why do I look at my child like this may be the last time I see her whole? Why do I count the days with dread? Why do I see these vivid pictures flash through my head, pictures of my baby in a wheel chair, or the nightmare images of her in a coffin.

What the hell is wrong with me?

There's some comfort in knowing that while I may be a little father into the deep end than others, I'm not all that alone out there.

You can see it in the eyes of the other parents at Shriners, that terrible fear that no matter how minor the surgery, your child could easily become a statistic. Sure, the odds are in your favor that everything will turn out alright, but the odds were in my favor that I'd have a normal healthy baby without any muscular-skeletal defects too. The parents sitting in the waiting room, or out in the smoker's corner, have learned not to play the odds because sometimes you lose. We don't have the option of bowing out of this messed up game when we've had enough, or wagering just a little bit to play it safe. Once we're in, we have to stay until it's done, and with each hand we have to bet it all... When we lose, we lose everything.

That's what's doing me in right now, and for the last couple of weeks... I didn't want to play this game, I was forced into it. Now that I'm here, I can't stop it, can't back off, I have to see it to the end, no matter how it plays out.

I've had enough... I want to quit, I can't do this anymore. I want whatever twist of fate, nature, or God that made my kid this way to fix her with and be done with it. I don't mind that she's not the perfect healthy baby that I dreamed of; I can live with her being broken, but I can't live without her. I don't care anymore if it's character building, I don't care if we'll come out on the other side of this stronger, better people. I want to be able to take my kids health for granted, I want the fear to go away. I want to lay down in bed at night and not count the days to the next time my child will have to go under the knife. I just want it to stop... Is that too much to ask?

You may be sitting there thinking that in the grand scheme of things I have it easy. Life could have been a lot worse for me and my kid. She could have been born with a thousand other problems that would make things a lot harder, a lot scarier. Trust me, you don't need to tell me this. I've met the kids that are worse off, seen their parents chain smoking while they're in surgery, talked to them in an effort to figure out how they get through it all. I hold them in awe for their strength, but this isn't a road they chose either. Most, just like me, are hiding in a locked bathroom every once in awhile, crying while the shower's running, and railing against this long hard path they have to walk and the fates that put them there. We keep ourselves together because it's what our kids need us to do, but that doesn't mean we like it. They don't begrudge me my feelings, they understand it, and as we sit together watching the clock, we all know that fear cannot be contained by how minor a doctor ranks a procedure. When you've already lost to good odds, you know that something as simple as a tonsillectomy can go terribly, horribly wrong.

So I live a diet of avoidance and repression... Tamp it down, don't let it control you, don't let your twisted imagination gain the upper hand. As life moves inevitably forward, and the surgeries get closer I push everything into the back of my mind, emotion, deadlines, anything that may cause me the tiniest amount of stress. Because one little crack will cause the dam to break, and then I'm in the bathroom with the shower running again.

Some people in my life are finding they're having a hard time dealing with the month or so that I'm completely unavailable to them in any way. They may talk to me, but I'm emotionally distant, unresponsive, and pretty much in a comatose state. My body may be moving, but the mind is in another place. To these people that I love dearly, and who I know love me back, I can only say I'm sorry. If I could be any different, if I could walk away from this, if I could be a normal person dealing with life in a normal way I would do it in a heart beat.

I can say this now, share these feelings, because Tiana's a week out of surgery and I have six months until the fear and anxiety grip my life. Three weeks or so before her next surgery I'll be repressing again and you'll be lucky to get anything more than "I'm fine" out of me. No amount of Lexapro is probably gonna change that. Sorry...

Anyway... I wanted to say more today, but it's almost time for me to run. Maybe tomorrow I'll share the rest. There is more to this story, this unsolicited glimpse into my psyche, but this is probably enough for anyone to digest in one day.

Hugs,
Anne

Musings from Insanity...

I don't really have any new and exciting news to impart. I'm just looking to kill time so I thought I'd post.

We finally have a solid date on Tiana's lengthening surgery. She'll go to Shriners on August 9th to have the surgery done, and she should be home on the 10th. This is a short one, a piece of cake considering what she's already been through. She should grow another inch or two afterwards also, so I'll probably wait to buy school clothes!

Last week I had some time to myself, so I got to play a bit. I purchased a polymer stamp maker with a bit of the tax money last winter, and I worked on getting my technique down. I had to make a couple of calls to the company before I managed to work out some of the kinks, but I think I finally got it.

My big issue with making stamps was sticky polymer (sounds like a band name). See how it works is that you pour this goopy polymer into a mold, it's kind of the consistency and feel of honey or light corn syrup, and then you shine a UV light on it. Wherever the light hits, the polymer cures and hardens, where it doesn't hit, it washes away. I couldn't get it all washed off though, and so even when the stamps were finished, they were sticky in the areas that were recessed. I'm not talking a little tacky either, they were nasty, disgusting, can't get it off sticky. You didn't want to touch those stamps to any part of your body that had hair on it, let me tell ya!

So I called the company and whined, asked what I was doing wrong, and it turns out it wasn't me (do try to hide your astonishment). They gave me a couple of tricks that weren't included in the instructions for curing the sticky polymer, and now I'm good to go. They're still a bit tacky, but they no longer remove bits of skin and hair wherever they touch. A big improvement in my opinion.

I made some cute stamps last week, and have some ideas for some others I want to try. Once I get all of the sticky polymer off my desk, I'll make some cards with my new stamps to share with you.


So what else is new...

We had some changes in the band last weekend. Jim our drummer wasn't happy with the new direction we've been taking, and how things are going in general, and we decided it was probably time to part company. We'll miss him, he's a good man, but this way we can still be friends in the long run.

Sean and I are going to start cranking out some new music. It's time for us to move away from playing the Blues, and we've been working on some awesome new stuff. I'm really excited about what we'll be doing in the future. The music that I'm writing has a lot more feeling for me, and I'm finding that I can really feel it pouring out of me as we play it. So I think it's going to be great.

So we'll be writing, and possibly doing some recording while we start the search for a new drummer. If you're interested, you can always check out the bands web page or myspace page for updates.

Well, that's all the exciting stuff in my life right now... Pretty boring over all, I know.

Hugs,
Anne

Tiana's visit to Shriners

Tiana had an appointment at Shriners yesterday. It was her three month post-op checkup, and she was scheduled to get her brace off and have her activity restrictions lifted...

That's in a perfect world though...

Thank god we prepared her for the eventuality that she might not get the brace off, because that's exactly what happened.

So let me start at the beginning. Tiana was supposed to go a week and a half ago, but her doctor has had a personal medical emergency that will keep him from working for two months. So they did a quick shuffle and rescheduled her appointment for yesterday with another doctor.

He was a very nice man, and we brought him up to speed on Tiana and her progress so far, and then let him know what her Doctor had told her would probably happen at this visit. He put her new x-rays up on the board next to her x-rays from two months ago, and immediately my heart sank. Her back is all out of whack again.

Now part of that is to be expected, as she grows the rods don't grow with her, so her back will start to curve until the rods are lengthened. The problem is in the amount of curvature that Tiana has gained since her surgery. In a nutshell, she's growing to fast for the schedule.

When Tiana had her surgery, her back was at a 67 degree curvature. At her one month pre-op appointment, the X-rays showed that the surgery had corrected her back to about a 42 degree curve. Now, two months later, her back is at a 56 degree curve... That's almost 15 degrees in two months, and she's got two more months to go before her lengthening surgery is scheduled.

The doctor was concerned that as she continues to grow, and the curve progresses as she approaches her lengthening procedure, that there will be too much pressure put on the rod hooks, and that she could be in danger of popping a rod. So he's keeping her in the brace to alleviate that pressure, and keep the rods firmly attached to her spine where they're supposed to be.

The good news is that she doesn't have to wear it 23 hours a day anymore. She can take it off when she's sleeping, and just laying around the house. She can also take a bath, which she was really happy about since she doesn't like showers. She was cleared to start swimming lessons, but not to start playing Soccer, or even go back to gym class. Yet, having the good news mixed in with the bad was enough to make it a little more tolerable. She took it well, she was disappointed, but she's a trooper.

So that's the latest update... I wanted to share it with you because so many people ask about Tiana and how she's doing. It's wonderful to have so many people who care!

Hugs,
Anne

I don't want to be awake...

John and I have been going to bed way too late on Sunday nights since the new season of The Sopranos started a few weeks ago. We have to watch it at 11pm because when it's on at 8pm there are still to many small children awake in our house who don't need to see gangsters getting shot in the eye. Being the responsible parents we are (and not wanting to give Jenna any ideas), we catch the later showing, and then once The Sopranos are over Gene Simmon's Family Jewels comes on. So we haven't been making it to bed until about 1am lately.

This normally isn't a problem for me because I don't have to get up on Monday mornings...

Alexi and CJ, our two oldest kids, usually spend the weekend at their dad's house, which means that John can get up with Tiana on Monday's and drop her off at school on his way to work. I only need to sit up in bed long enough to do her hair, give her a kiss and a hug, and then I can sleep until the two foot tornado wakes up.

This was my weekend to have Alexi and CJ though. Don't get me wrong, I love having them and wish I had them for more weekends. We had a great time, the weather was beautiful so we took a nice walk on Saturday. We went down to the little shopping area near our house and found that it was the Annual Racine Arts Walk, so all of the stores were doing special things. We watched a wood turner make a little top at one store, had coffee and treats at the local coffee shop, and just had a good time being with each other. On Sunday we got some much needed cleaning done around the house, and while there's still a lot that needs to be done, we managed to accomplish quite a bit.

I had to get up this morning though, to do my usually morning runs, and I have to say I'm not so thrilled about it. I could use an extra hour or two of sleep...

Anyway, I wanted to catch you up on a couple of things. First of all...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHN!

He's feeling a little old and doesn't want anyone to know though, so keep it a secret, ok?

The last thing is that Tiana got some disappointing news on Friday. She was scheduled to get her brace off on Wednesday, but Shriners called... Her doctor had a medical emergency and has had to take a personal leave. Her appointment had to be rescheduled for May 4th. So she's in the brace for another week and a half and she's really not happy about it. We did make a flurry of phone calls on her behalf though, and they said that she could keep the brace off while she's at home until her next appointment. So that made things a little better for her, but she still has to wear it at school, and she's not cleared for PE class, or any extra curricular sports yet.

All in all she took it well, she tried not to cry, but she was really disappointed. Poor kid, she just wants to get back to her normal life again.

So that life at my house... So many exciting things going on, and I'll keep you posted on them all!

Have a great day!
Anne

Busy, busy, busy...

Am I like the worst blogger ever? No, probably not... My posts might be sporadic, but I still keep coming back to it.

You should be able to see from my post time, that I'm writing this at some insane hour when I should be sleeping. That's because this is about the only time I can sneak in a few minutes without feeling completely guilty. Lately I'm either working or doing something with the kids. There hasn't even been a lot of time for John.

The good news is that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So what have I been up to besides work? Absolutely nothing...

The band played last night at Fat Boy Roadhouse in Milwaukee. It was fun, but my feet and legs are so tired from standing in my 3.5" heels for 4 hours that I can barely walk today. We made it to bed at about 4:30 am. John took the precaution of turning off the pThones so that we wouldn't be woken up before we were ready, but one of them escaped his attention, and of course it rang at 9:30. It woke the girls up, so of course we had to drag our butts out of bed for the day. I ended up taking an unscheduled nap on the couch this afternoon... I often wonder if I'm getting too old for my rock-n-roll dreams.

A Picture from last night for you... I'm getting a little hippy, I need to work on that.

So the usual fan club couldn't make it to the gig, but the rest of our friends put in a good showing. Kat and Tim came all the way from Madison, and brought a couple of friends with them. Lisa and Jeff put in an appearance, and Chad (aka Snake Boy ala John) came with his imaginary wife, who is really a lovely girl.

All in all, not a bad night, we played to a crowd which is always better than playing to an empty room, and we made it though another gig without getting any beer bottles thrown at us. What more could we possibly ask for?

So... Let's see... Other news...

Tiana gets her brace off in a week, I can't tell you how excited she is about that. She's literally counting the days. She started piano lessons last week at School. The music teacher is offering them for free after school for six weeks. We're going to see how she likes it, and if she wants to continue we'll consider getting her private lessons. Music is a big deal in our lives, as I'm sure you can guess, so we encourage the kids to pursue it when they have the chance.

Alexi and CJ have been in Florida with their dad this week. Alexi turned 15, but was away for her birthday. I called her to wish her a happy one, and we'll celebrate when she gets back. I miss them, I always do when they're gone, and I worry. I'll probably call tomorrow to make sure they made it back safely though, then I'll be able to sleep again.

We're working on some summer vacation plans. John and CJ were invited to a Cord rally in Auburn in June, which is when we usually take our vacation. So maybe we'll do that. I can amuse the girls while the boys get their testosterone running with the vintage cars. Honestly, I think it's great that John and CJ are having such a good time with the Cord connection. It's a healthy obsession, so I'll encourage it if it makes them happy.

I think that's it for now... I think I'm going to go get reacquainted with my bed. it's been awhile, so I hope it remembers me.

Hugs,
Anne

So much going on...

Ok, yea, I know... It's been a really long time since I've blogged, but in my defense, I have a lot going on right now...

The big news is that I'm leaving The Angel Company to start my own stamping business! I'm excited, scared, and sad all at the same time. Sad because I hate to leave TAC behind, they're a great company and my time with them has been wonderful, scared because this is a risky venture with a lot of responsibility. Excited...

Wow, I'm so excited! My new company is going to be carrying some awesome stamps from some really talented stamp artists, These stamps will really get your creativity working in overdrive. I know they sure gave mine a boost! And products... Oh my gosh! We have so many awesome products from some of the best companies out there!

The card above was made using one of the great new sets we'll be carrying. It's from an independent stamp maker in Canada, and she's been a real pleasure to work with. Her company is called Pink Cat, and we'll be carrying her entire line! Her designs are a little whimsical, and a lot of fun. I'm sure you're going to love them!



Tiana
A lot of people have been asking about Tiana, and how she's doing. She's doing great! She'll be getting her brace off in a little less than a month, and is pretty much back to normal. She's starting to get tired of wearing the brace, and we have to keep telling her to slow down and behave during the hour a day that she can have it off, because she wants to dance, and twirl, and play during those brief moments of freedom. She's no longer in any pain at all, unless she gets bumped in the spots where her rods are while she has the brace off.

You can see the spots where rods attach through her skin, they're just lumps alongside her spine. They look a lot better than her twisted spine did though, so you won't hear any of us complaining. Her incision has completely healed, and is just a red line that I'm sure will fade to almost nothing when she gets older.

We've already scheduled the first lengthening for July. That will be a quick surgery, but she will have to stay overnight in the hospital. They say that she'll recover pretty quickly from it though, and that it will be more uncomfortable then painful. She's not dreading it, since she knows that the worst is over for awhile.


Kauket
I've had quite a few people ask how miss snakey-poo is doing as well. She's doing great too! She's eating well and growing quickly! She's almost outgrown her 10 gallon tank, and has more than doubled in size since we got her. She's still small though, just a baby still, and has quite a bit of growing left to do.

She's really a sweet thing, she's a great pet to have. During the day (when she's normally sleeping) if I take her out she'll curl up in my pocket and sleep there. In the evening, when she has a little more spunk, she'll wrap herself around my fingers and wrist like a piece of exotic jewelry, and will explore anything and everything that comes close enough while I'm moving around. She's pretty content to hang on for the ride though, and will stay put as I do things.

The kids just love her, even the girls who weren't keen on the idea of having a snake for a pet, and CJ's even taken a turn at feeding her. I won't share the pictures I've taken of her eating (to spare the squeamish among you) but I did catch one of her resetting her jaw after a meal that is a favorite of mine.



The kids laugh when she does that because it looks like she's yawning really big! :)

Despite the big mouth, she has the sweetest temperament, and has never made a threatening move towards any of us. Even when Jenna pets her a little too hard, she's never made a strike out of fear. I know snakes squick a lot of people, but I think Kauket is one of the best pets I've ever owned. In fact, when she out grows her cage in a few months I'm probably going to get a Hognose snake. Hognoses are smaller than Corn snakes, and can live their lives in a 10 gallon tank. They're also diurnal, so I'd have someone to play with during the day while Kauket is sleeping.


So anyway... There's business news, Tiana news, and snake news. You should be all caught up now. :D

Have a great day!

I can't do it

I'm sure that most of you know by now that after a very successful surgery, Tiana is home and resting semi-comfortably. She's done wonderfully, and her recovery is progressing much faster than expected.

It hasn't been easy though... Not by any means...

Today marks her one week anniversary, last week at this time she was being rolled into surgery, and it's so amazing to look back over the past week and see how far she's come.

Any back surgery is painful, surgery that includes the full length of your back is even more so. There were days when Tiana could barely move her arms because to do so hurt her back terribly. Each day has gotten a little better, but some of the hurdles she's had to face have been pretty tough to get over.

One phrase that John and I have heard a lot over the last week is "I can't do it." When she's hurting and needs to change position we hear "I can't do it." When she needs to make a trip up the stairs to go to the bathroom we hear "I can't do it." Fortunately for her, she has two parents who know from experience how important it is to push through the pain after surgery and get your body moving. When you move, your blood flows, and the brain releases chemicals that help relieve pain as well as hasten the healing process. So each time we hear "I can't do it," we're standing there saying "Yes you can!"

Take it one step at a time, take a deep breath, relax and do it! If you think it's terrible it will be, but if you think positive it might not be so bad! It hurts today, but if you do it, then tomorrow it won't be so bad.

Words of that nature have become our mantra. Constant encouragement is our ever-present companion. Sometimes it takes awhile to convince her, and often she puts up quite a fuss. However, each day it does become a little easier, and each day she can do a little more.

I've been thinking about the words "I can't do it" a lot in the last week, as I've tried to combat their negative effects in my daughter. I started wondering how many times I've let "I can't do it" stand in my way.

• I've struggled with quitting smoking because "I can't do it."
• I've failed on countless diet and exercise programs because "I can't do it."
• I haven't expanded my business as much as I could because "I cant" approach someone and give them a business card, "I can't" make cold calls, and "I can't" share my business opportunity with them because I don't want them to think I'm pushy.

That's a whole lot of "I can't."

Now if Tiana can look up a flight of stairs, in so much pain that it hurts to breathe, and take that first step, then why can't I?

Sure, she could have given into the "I can't" attitude, and stayed on the couch, but today she would be little better than she was last week. Getting past "I cant do it," is what is making each day so much better than the last.

So I think I need to take that first step too. Sure it might be hard today, but tomorrow it will be easier, and the next day it will be even less painful. I'll start with sharing my wonderful hobby with someone I don't know, and give them a business card. If I do it one step at a time, and take a deep breath, it won't be so bad.

Hugs,
Anne

MRI

John and Tiana are down in Chicago right now. Tiana has been in an MRI tube for the last 45 minutes or so. They sedated her but not with an IV this time (can you say thank God for small favors?), instead she got a cocktail and some gas to knock her out. It should take about 2 hours to do the full spinal MRI... John said he'll call once she's out and awake.

I'd kill for a cigarette right about now...

They're looking for lesions on her spine. I guess that occasionally, rarely, scoliosis is caused by spinal lesions. If she has lesions she'll still need surgery, but a different kind of surgery instead of the rod insertion.

Who's bright idea was it to quit smoking a month and a half before her surgery anyway...

The only way to see for sure if she has lesions or not is with an MRI, and getting the MRI has been a long drawn out process... The first scheduled MRI the administration of the hospital gave us incorrect NPO instructions, which resulted in Tiana becoming dehydrated. Because she was dehydrated they couldn't sedate her, and we had to reschedule. That one was a blessing in disguise though, we got so upset with the hospital and her orthopedic doctor that we asked her primary physician to refer her to Shriners. That has turned out to be a very good thing.

Just one...

The second MRI was scheduled at a different hospital, we had the correct NPO instructions, and the day of the appointment Tiana had a chest and head cold along with a 102 degree fever. Mission aborted we rescheduled again.

Not even a whole one...

On the date of the next MRI appointment we received 15 inches of snow. Not a good day for a drive to Chicago. Once again we made another appointment.

This time it's gone off with only a small hitch or two. Hopefully it will be over soon and we can add another notch to our belts. One more milestone that we made it though, one more step to all of this being over and done with.

March can't some soon enough for me...

Anxious Thoughts...

I really shouldn't be posting to my blog. I have so many other things that I should be doing instead. I'm way behind, and truthfully I feel pretty guilty that I'm sitting here typing instead of doing real work. I have some junk in my head that I need to get rid of though, and this is as good a place as any to dump it.

I had a small anxiety attack last night, but considering the haze of medication it had to work its way through, it must have actually been a pretty major one. I've only had a couple since I started the meds, they feel different than they used to now, but they're no more pleasant then they were before. However, before the medication I never quite knew what I was really panicking about, I was nervous all of the time, so it all kind of blended together. Now I have to be pretty upset to have an actual anxiety attack, so I usually know what's causing it.

So what's on my mind? What has me feeling like the world is out to get me? I keep looking at the calendar. In two days it will be December 15th. On January 15th my baby girl will check into the hospital, and in 34 days they'll cut her open from the base of her neck to the small of her back in an attempt to realign her screwed up spine.

I'm so very frightened, I can't even begin to tell you...

I once said that I would tell Tiana's story from the beginning. I tried; I started writing it, but found that it was nearly impossible to do. There's so much pain, sadness, joy and love packed into the first few years of her life, that it's too much for an amateur like me to be able to express with the written word.

Suffice it to say that I was once told (by several people) that Tiana was my punishment for a very public sin (I won't call it a mistake) I committed. They said that God made her imperfect to punish me for the wrongs that I had done.

I thank God every day for his beautiful punishment.

Tiana is a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. She's hope for the future in a world gone terribly wrong. She happiness, compassion, and love all bundled up into one little package. I don't know how I've managed to raise a child the likes of her. Honestly, I don't really think it's any super parenting skills on my part. I think she was born like that, a beautiful spirit that for some reason God trusted me to take care of.

I'm getting ahead of myself though... What makes her so special? It's kind of hard to describe, you'd have to meet her to really understand. I have four children, I love them all equally, and they are all beautiful and special in their own way. Tiana is no different than her brother or sisters, yet she is also very different...

Tiana has never met anyone in her life who didn't become an instant friend. She has a beautiful smile that engulfs her whole face, and a sparkling giggle that's always ready to bubble up to her lips. She's not happy all of the time, but she's never down for very long. She's very empathetic, and is filled with compassion for others. Even as a small child she always thought of others before herself. When most kids are going through the awful selfish period of the terrible twos, Tiana was giving away her toys to strangers just to make them smile. I think part of her compassion stems from the problems she's faced in her own life, but I also think that part of it is just who she is.

Having Tiana in my life has made me grow up, become a responsible person, and open my eyes to the world around me. The joy she's brought to our family has been immeasurable, especially because the joy came out of a particularly difficult time in our lives. She is a precious gift, and her physical problems have only made her more special.

She's not my punishment from God, but perhaps imagining my life without her is...

Because that's what this all comes down to... Fear... Fear that the unmentionable will happen; fear that a cruel twist of fate will take away the precious gift I never deserved to have in the first place.

I don't deserve her, I know that... I've done terrible things in my life, I've hurt countless people, I'm selfish, and just an overall crappy person. Yet somehow I managed to catch a hold of a rainbow. My terrible crappy life is filled with an indescribable beauty, and I live in fear that the powers that be are going to realize I have it and take it away because it's not meant to be mine. Then what will my life be like when all of the color is gone?

That's my punishment. That's my anxiety.

Where to start...

Like I said... So much stuff has been going on in my life that I've barely been able to keep up with it. I haven't really kept up with it to be completely honest. I'm behind... Way behind... So what am I doing here blogging instead of doing productive work? Why, procrastinating of course.

So I'll start with Tiana, and I'll give you the brief version since you must be living under a rock if you haven't already heard me whine about it.

Tiana went to Shriners, they found that the curve in her back had progressed an additional 7 degrees since her x-ray a month and a half before. Not good! The only answer left to halt the progression of her scoliosis, and correct her spine, is surgery.

In January she'll have two rods inserted into her back, one on each side of her spine. The rods are called "grow rods." Tiana is still really small in the upper half of her body, and so these rods will allow her to keep growing for a few more years. Every six months or so she'll have to go in for minor surgery to have the rods adjusted to compensate for her growth. Then, in two to three years they will fuse her spine and the correction will be permanent.

How am I dealing with all of this? Much better now that I'm on anti-anxiety medication, thanks. LOL

It was pretty bad at first... The risks of surgery are paralysis and life threatening infections, among other things. It's terrifying to have to expose your child to that. The flip side is worse though, if her back isn't corrected she'll have early onset heart disease, and breathing problems all of her life, which will be shortened considerably because of the medical conditions brought on by her scoliosis. So we really don't have much of a choice at all.

Contemplate it for awhile for your own child though, and I assure you that you'll go a little bit insane. I felt like I was sending my baby out to go play in traffic. It didn't matter that they assured me that "all things considered," the surgical risks were very low. This is major surgery people... On her spine! You know, where all of those important nerves are!

Fortunately, I began taking the anti-anxiety medication before Tiana went to Shriners, so after a week or so of mental torture, the meds kicked in and I'm feeling a little more optimistic now.


So why am I taking anti-anxiety meds I hear you asking? Because I'm dying.

No, not really...

Its hard to explain to someone who's never dealt with anxiety, but I'll try...

Either I'm going to die, or someone whom I love very much is going to die. I know this with all of my heart and soul. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but it will be soon, and when it happens, I'm going to go crazy because I won't be able to deal with it. How do I know that I'm going to be struck with some fatal form of cancer, or that one of my lovely children is going to be hit by a car, or fall down the stairs at school? Because I'm me. My luck has been really good lately, so I know that there's something just waiting and lurking around the corner. When I least expect it, it's going to jump out and slam me. So if I think about it all of the time, if I worry and obsess, it can never catch me unaware.

So I think about it all of the time, I prepare myself for every bad thing that could happen, imagining the worst things that could possibly happen so that I can prepare myself. Having a very fertile imagination that's a torment in and of itself, let me tell you. Thinking about it all of the time is stressing me out though, my body is very tense and soon starts to rebel at all of the stress... My throat feels like it's closing in on itself, I have chest pain, all of my joints hurt, and I'm tired all of the time but I can't sleep because I'm too busy obsessing to rest.

Do these aches and pains serve as a wake up call for your poor insane friend? NO! Instead I'm sure that the chest pain is lung cancer, my tight throat is some form of throat cancer, and my anxiety intensifies.

Do you have a picture in your head yet?

"Why don't you go to a doctor and have your fears put to rest?" I'm sure I hear you asking... Because if I go to a doctor he's going to tell me how very sick I am, and then I'd more than likely have a breakdown (I know you're seeing the irony LOL).

I knew I was having problems with anxiety, but knowing wasn't making my problems go away unfortunately. Fortunately I do have a wonderful doctor. When I finally went in (for an allergy; you didn't really think I'd make an appointment for my anxiety did you? lol) and mentioned I was having some problems dealing with life, he was very kind, and didn't call me a nut , nor did he send me to see a shrink (which I wouldn't have done anyway). He just let me know that I was not all that abnormal, and that in some people a traumatic (have I mentioned that John almost died a year ago this week?) event can trigger a serotonin imbalance. In some people it manifests as depression, in others, anxiety. So I just need to reset the serotonin processors in my brain, and then I'll be back to my normal, lovable, unmedicated self (no comments John) in about a year.

Now those of you who have dealt with anxiety are all nodding your heads. Your anxiety may not have manifested in the same way mine did, but you know those feelings of terror and helplessness as you watch your world spin out of control. Those of you who are lucky enough not to have ever dealt with this in your life, just think I'm crazy. LOL That's ok, I'm dealing with this now, and I don't mind if people think I'm crazy. The important thing is that if you're dealing with this, or something similar. Get help! I can't stress that enough. I don't know why I waited so long. There's no shame in asking for help so that you can learn to control it on your own. You'll feel so much better when all is said and done.

So those are the big things that have been going on in my life the last couple of months. Nothing too entertaining or amusing (though as I look back I'm beginning to see the humor in the anxiety), but just real life junk.

You know how it is...
*Hugs*